New Year, New Beginnings...or is it?
- Karen
- Jan 21, 2020
- 4 min read
As I start the New Year, I always feel like it’s a new beginning, a fresh start full of possibilities. Leaving all the baggage of the previous year at 11.59 pm and starting fresh at 12.01 am with enthusiasm and positivity. (These 2 mins between are for a quick drink of champagne and a kiss with my husband!!)
A couple of days ago, Chelsea said it’s just ANOTHER year to get through. It’s another year to feel this way and deal with all that anxiety brings….not entirely word for word, I can’t really share exactly what she said!!!! Having her yell that at me, I instantly felt deflated and wanted to crawl back into bed!!
It’s not me I feel sorry for, it’s hearing her say it with such venom and hatred. I get it, NOTHING much has changed from last year, Chelsea still struggles EVERY day no matter what year we are in.
The New Year just means 365 new days
There is no magic switch that turns off the anxiety at midnight (oh how I wish there were) What Chelsea tends to forget in “the moment” is all the fantastic things that HAVE happened. She graduated High School, the summer sailing trip that she loved, going to concerts, a job that she enjoys the list is endless, yet forgotten in the moment.
Every day is hard for her from the minute she wakes up to when she goes to bed. I see her working on getting through it, and she does have many GREAT days, but the hard days are what she tends to focus on more so.
The hardest part for us as a family is to try and help Chelsea. Almost every day, at some point, we have to deal with these outbursts. We understand this is who Chelsea is, and we are NOT mad or disappointed with her; it’s just part of our everyday life. We do all the things we have been taught to do through DBT. However, it’s hard as she says the most awful thing to us and herself. Blaming me for having given birth to her……that REALLY hurt. Reminding her of all the great positive things to look forward to as she says she doesn’t want to be here anymore. I remind her of how much we love her. How others love her and how hard it would be if she wasn't with us. Still, her reply today was “ well that would suck for everyone, but it would No longer matter to me” those words are so hard to hear and comprehend.
I know that in the moment of those outbursts it's hard to reason with her as she is not hearing us, so having to wait till she is calm is also hard because she wants your help in the moment:-
She wants to be held….but she doesn’t, she wants you to say the right thing, but she doesn’t listen and tends to throw those words back at you.
The moment can take a few minutes or at times hours before you can break it all down and talk to her about what caused the outburst. I know for me it's exhausting, but it's even more so for Chelsea.
We never tend to brush the issues “under the carpet” we always try and talk to her afterwards about it. When she is in a better frame of mind, we are able to break it down. Chelsea understands that she has “anger issues” and has a hard time being able to process those emotions. The more anxious she becomes, the worse her anger is. She knows that there are positives, things to look forward to in the future, and she certainly knows how much EVERYONE loves her. But the one biggest worry for us is if she means what she says and doesn’t want to be here, I can’t wrap her in a cotton ball and always be by her side. It’s draining to always be on edge and I hope we are doing the right thing for her.
There is no manual for your child, and there certainly is no pause button as parents. We can do our best to support our children and have them know that we are there for them, they do not have to suffer in silence; I don’t think there is anything that can shock us anymore on this journey. It’s hard, it really is and I can offer this to whoever is listening, "you are not alone". We show our children how strong we are for them when really inside us, it’s often the complete opposite, I just want to curl up in the corner and cry till there are no more tears…but that helps no one. Simon and I are a great support system for each other, and we are able to talk (and sometimes argue) about the right thing to do, but we are lucky that we have each other. Our other daughter is studying Psychology at University, and I can’t help but feel that it’s her way of being able to understand her sister. Being a Mum is the hardest job I have ever had to do, but it can also be the most rewarding, regardless of what is going on; I do love being a mother.
Then........... today Chelsea woke as if nothing happened yesterday and our happy, fun-loving daughter is back. Like her, we too have to remember that with the bad days, there are good, fun ones, and I am going to enjoy today as one never knows what tomorrow will bring.
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