Self Esteem and Confidence.

Two of the most significant issue we have with Chelsea is her lack of Self Esteem and Confidence. We have ALWAYS tried so hard with the girls to strengthen both, to make them strong, confident women. Simon especially has from both a fathers perspective and a man's point of view encouraged them to value themselves and to be strong and successful. He has always been fantastic at complimenting all 3 of us and making sure we feel good about ourselves. We have always done our best to foster their self- confidence so that they are strong and successful in everything that they do. We have encouraged them to try new things and to try and set them up for success, they may not be the best at something, others may have done better, but they tried and gave it their best shot they SHOULD be PROUD of their achievement and not worried about what others have done.

Building Confidence and Self Esteem

Unfortunately for those who have anxiety, it goes hand in hand with the lack of both Self Esteem and Confidence, making them feel insecure, they are withdrawn from activities and will avoid situations with friends. Their body language is such that they will no longer stand up straight; rather, they have slumped shoulders and will not look people in the eye. They are scared and unable to problem solve and make a decision. This completely describes Chelsea.

Chelsea no longer has confidence, which is such a difference from her younger self as she was a real get up and go child. Her confidence was such that while travelling in France she wanted to speak French to EVERYONE and could not wait to get up and ask a question (both girls were schooled in French Immersion.) Now we are lucky if she will talk to anyone outside of the house, she is always worried about what others will think about her, is she fat, does she look good in this (everyone is like this to some degree, but with Mental Health it seems to be so much worse.) Helping her to overcome these fears is a challenging one and something that we are constantly having to work together with.

What can we do to help our anxious child gain self-confidence so that they can reduce their emotions?

Teach Positive-Talk – this can affect your child’s perspective, by learning how to positive-talk they are more likely to build Self-Confidence and Self-Esteem and feel better about a situation. By turning a negative feeling into a positive one, it can help them cope through the emotions they are feeling.

Remember that it's ok to feel anxious/worried, it’s a normal reaction. Your child needs to know that they are SAFE, and there is no danger, that this feeling won’t last forever; it is just in the MOMENT that they are anxious. A thought is just a thought it DOES NOT mean there is actually anything wrong.

YOUR HEAD IS NOT ALWAYS YOUR FRIEND- they need to work hard to change those thoughts in their minds. This is something that Chelsea often tells us…”My head is changing the way I feel.”

HOW TO POSITIVE SELF-TALK

By turning a negative into a positive

~ I have done this before, and I CAN do this again

~ STOP –BREATH this emotion will pass I can do this

~ I can use my coping skills and get through this – breathing, fidget toy etc

~ I don’t need to rush its ok if I do this in MY own time

By turning around the way, you help your child in an anxious moment can help them to feel more positive about themselves. Remind them of their strengths and that this is the way that they felt before when they did something similar, however, they got through it. Ask them what helped them, was it because they walked into a situation with a friend, were they more organized for the task at hand. Use some keywords or phrases to help them.

“I know that you can do this.”

“WOW you are working so hard to accomplish this I am SO PROUD of you for pushing through.”

We often tell the girls how proud we are of them regardless of whether they succeeded or failed, and that the fact they tried their best is all that matters. We encourage them to instead learn from their failure and to use that to succeed the next time they try.

By not criticizing a child for failing and changing the way you say something, in my opinion, gets a better reaction. Our eldest daughter was struggling with Math; she needed a certain mark in order to apply to University. It was maybe our immediate reaction to say, “That’s not good, why are you failing, why is this just now a problem, I thought that you were doing well?” Instead, we took a step back and thought before we spoke....."Something I have had to work hard to remember!!" She already knows that this is not good she feels bad enough that she is struggling so instead of reminding her of the negatives we said “We know that you have been working really hard and that I can see you trying, how can we help. Don’t look at how bad you are doing let's move forward and work hard to improve that mark” It's ok to also say that you wished they had told you earlier, you can be disappointed in them that you are only finding out now. The fact is they had the confidence to tell you and that you have time to help and support.

I often become anxious and concerned myself for Chelsea, I know that certain situations are hard for her – actually let's rephrase that A LOT of situations are EXTREMELY hard for her. If I show my emotions then it's not helping anyone, so by being positive and confident telling her that all is ok, she can do this, I am trying to be a good role model. I hope that my confidence in her will help her to be more self-confident in what she is trying to achieve.

Building Self Esteem and Confidence in anyone is not going to happen overnight its something we all have to work at. Remember to praise people even if someone holds a door open for you tell them how kind it was that they did this…..its those little things that can help everyone to gain confidence and self-esteem.