Learning to accept that your Anxious child does not always want to join you.

As parents, we absolutely love doing things as a family. It can be as simple as all 4 of us going for a walk or just hanging out on the deck and cooling off in the pool or venturing further away going to various events and attractions. We enjoy the girl's company and sharing experiences with them. Over the last 10 days we have had friends staying with us from Geneva (Sonia and I have been friends since we met in Kindergarten at 5 years old!!) Along with her husband and their 2 children we have taken them to the “Drive-In Movies” to see The Lion King……which I have to add was amazing and certainly worth watching for ANY age. Then on Monday night, we went to see the Vancouver Canadians play (baseball teams for anyone, not local!!)

Vancouver Canadians Baseball Game

One of the hardest things we have had to come to terms with and adjust our lives to is not having Chelsea always join us during those times. Chelsea has not joined us for either outing and opted to stay close to home where she felt comfortable and safe and spent the time with a friend……but would text me many times to ask how the night was going and when would we be home. It really upsets us because we so want her to join us each time and although she wants to she is too anxious to do so.

So, before she joins us for any outing’s here are some thing’s that we talk about:

~ Where are we going to and how long it will take us to get there?

~ What will we be doing and what she should expect?

~ How busy will it be and should she prepare herself for crowds and noise?

~ How long will we be there for?

~ NEVER specify an exact time or PROMISE anything that you actually do not know for certain. For example, how busy it may be on that particular day.

By taking the time to answer these questions and make a “game plan” together, I’m trying to prepare her for what she should expect, which hopefully will help her feel less anxious about going. However, like the baseball game, these answers to the questions proved to still be too overwhelming for her, so she made the choice not to join us.

One BIG thing that I have learnt through all this and one piece of advice I can give anyone who is going through what we are is: NEVER say an exact time unless you are 100% sure. I made that mistake at the beginning of learning on how to manage Anxiety.(So how do we manage anxiety) we were going somewhere I may have mentioned that it would be for 2 hours for example and Chelsea would literally watch the clock and if it wasn’t over by then “HER PLAN” was ruined and I would be spending the “overtime” trying to calm her down and get through it…..not fun for anyone. So for your own sake, learn from my mistakes!!!

There are something’s that we will REALLY push for her to join us with as I know they are short enough that she actually will enjoy her experience, like going to our local Farmers Market. An enjoyable environment that we have been to many times. Although it can be busy, we know it well and know of the places to go where it can be quieter and somewhat less overwhelming for her if the going gets tough.

I have pushed her to join us occasionally, and although Simon has warned me that it may end up as a disaster (as it has many times before), I have gone ahead and encouraged her to come. I have to say there are many times that he was right (not that I'm going to admit to him!!) and this will then result in him and me having words because a simple family outing can mean he and Baillie going in one direction and Chelsea and me sitting trying to work through her Anxiety which actually defeats the entire family outing. Other times we can have the best day if all the stars are aligned and Chelsea is in a good head space!!!

It is so hard because I'm always so torn with what to do. Should I stay at home with Chelsea or go out with both Simon and Baillie? I absolutely love spending time as a family and get upset about the fact I have to make a choice. One thing that has helped me is changing the way I look at it and focusing on the fact that I'm getting quality time with my husband and eldest daughter and that it is Chelsea who has somewhat made this choice. This has pushed me to make the most of when she does choose to spend time with us even if it is just a family meal or a walk around the block.

We hope over time being able to come out and join us will be something that Chelsea will do naturally, but for now, we have to accept that it's not because she does not want to spend time with us more so that she can’t. xxx